All this things up to now

Up to this point it took me a while to really sort out what direction I needed to take in my life. I always wavered along the same lines but never really committed to anything as I was so passionate about quite a few things, self education, solitude, writing, reading, knitting, and a few other things that I didn't share. It took me a while and the gentle nudging from some kind souls to realize that I needed to commit to the lifestyle I really wanted instead of watching my life just tick by hour by hour.

I realized that I wanted to live an intentional life, that I wanted to focus on slow living. That I needed to focus on the people I love and the things I love. I also needed to focus on my health, both mental and physical. So I took steps to start working towards a career change. I had to be serious with myself, I knew I would never return to college to get a degree in English literature because I never did well in college being around other people. So I began to follow a different path. Always having an interest in herbalism and natural healing I have enrolled myself in an introductory course to herbalism and if all goes well I will hopefully complete the entirely of the course in the next 4-5 years and hope to get myself certified by the American herbalist guild. During that period I am also considering taking on coursework to become a massage therapist and study reflexology as well. I was inspired by a loving soul in my life to consider when completed opening up a natural healing clinic of sorts. I was so grateful for this persons inspiration and confidence in me.

I see the colors my life is now taking on and the direction that I am supposed to go. I finally understand my path, there is no rush, no being forced, no real fear anymore. There is only a strong sense of purpose and knowing that I'm happy in my decisions.

So here is where I attempt another path.

Most of my blogs have wavered back and forth, yet have always touched upon the same themes.  I did some very deep thinking during what little free time I had at work the last few days.  I had been feeling a complete sense of loss and feeling as if I had no real path for me to be on. I kept asking for a sign, for a signal or for someone to show me that I am on the right path.  It took me a significant amount of thought and a quote from Neil Gaiman that made me realize what I needed to really do.

If I was really to focus on what I was passionate about I would write about 4 things and I realized those four things are what I need to focus on.  So from this point on this blog is going to  change.   I feel like this blog as gone in so many directions yet all those directions are leading to the same place.  So here is what the content from this point on:

1) I will write about the books I read. I'm not great at reviewing books but I will talk about the books I read, why I love them and why they stand out to me. I probably will also share those quotes that stood out to me.

2) Modern Hobbit Living.  Anyone who knows me knows that I love The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings and second breakfasts. I am a firm believer that there has to be a way to make what I call "hobbit living" modern and accessible.

3) Knitting, I love to knit. I'm not a person who can design patterns or anything like that, but I come across some very awesome patterns online. So i will post about amazing patterns I find and how I am progressing  on my attempts at them.

4) Herbalism. I have always been interested in herbalism as well as natural healing.  I have signed up for herbalism course and so I will write about my adventures and what I learn in my studies.

Do I intend to keep this as the intellectual hermitage? Yes because this is still my virtual hermitage, it is still a place where I intend to share my solitude, my practices and my intellectual passions.  I hope that you continue to follow this journey with me.

Even now in this silence in my mind

I need a sign, I need a signal...a path ...something to lead me back to the person I was. Something to lead me back to the quietness I used to have in my soul.  I need something or someone to remind me who I am, to bring me back to what was and is important to me. Someone or something that will not judge but will only hold my hand and remind me that with each step I can return to myself.

003 So That's The Question Mark On All The Bullshit.

I could come up with all the bullshit reasons why I haven't done this and why I haven't done that, unfortunately all those reasons don't really explain why I haven't accomplished half of what I wanted to.  I always tell myself I am going to be some great autodidact and really focus on furthering my intellect, that I'll turn myself into some sort of Renaissance man of sorts.  Instead all those books sit untouched, my cello is gathering dust in storage, and instead of any real growth I find myself with a growing sense of cynicism.  Let's be realistic that doesn't really promote self growth all it does it make one increasingly nihilistic in one's views of the world.

So here is what I intend to do....I could continue to just bullshit myself about this internalized bucket list of things I want to do but for some reason just cannot commit to completing; Or I could basically just accept certain things that I have already set in motion. I purchased a new domain name and hosting service 6 months back, I've been letting it "gather dust" on some back shelf on the internet,....so now it's time to move forward with that domain.

So here is what I'm gonna blog about, I read, I read a lot usually --unless I've managed to sign myself up for a shit ton of overtime  at work.  I'm also going to blog about what I got my stupid ass into.. that's right, a tough mudder.  Here's the rub with that, I have an auto immune disorder called Hidradenitis suppurativa--it's a bitch and completely sucks but I decided to fight against it and run this tough mudder in october with some of my friends from work. I am also thinking about going back to college, so if I do decide to do that I'll probably blog about that....but mostly in this new blog relaunch I'll be talking about... books and reading .. as well as this training for the tough mudder and finding a way to get the HS to heal ....

so it's time to put a punctuation mark to all my bullshit and finally commit to something or just find myself drowning in the ennui created by unhappiness, nihilism and cynicism.

0002

So today marks the start of my new self education plan, unfortunately I really haven't sat here and planned out the curriculum for the full year. I have sketched out a tentative plan of action that I am going to follow.

I will start with:

-Ancient Greek Civilization
-Intro to Greek Philosophy
-The Illiad of Homer


from there I will move to:

-Classic Mythology
-Masters of Greek Thought
-The Odyssey of Homer

From there I am not sure if I want to pursue Plato,Socrates and Aristotle individually if the lecture series do not cover them as in depth. If they are covered in depth by the Masters of Greek Thought lectures I will move on to

-Greco-Roman Moralists
-Masterpieces of Ancient Greek Literature
-Greek and Persian Wars
-Alexander the Great
-Roman History

I think that these lectures with their subsequent reading lists should carry me through the end of the year. In addition to that I will be studying French from Duolingo and eventually migrating to Rosetta stone ( I still at some point in my life want to learn ancient Greek and Latin but currently do not have the time and am still somewhat intellectually intimidated by them).

I was also contemplating renewing my cello lessons, but that's going to be wholly dependent on time available and financials. I may just start practicing the cello again with my book and the resources available online instead. For now I am going to solely be working on the lecture series and the "fun" reading associated with the reading group that I just recently joined because of a coworker.

0001

I still have been unable to part ways with this blog, and maybe for now that is a better choice that rolling over to the new blog that I had originally intended to do. As I sit here to type this out I am going over the curriculum that I am planning on taking on starting March 1. As I said at this juncture of my life I have decided to focus solely on cultivating myself as a renaissance man and also working on cultivating a richer interior life. I decided that in order for me to write about this process that I would document at least 3 blog posts a week which I hope to start the week of March 1.

The reformatting of this blog, as I said is going to take the shape of hopefully 3 blog posts a week. One blog post will focus on the readings and studies, the second one will focus on cultivating a rich interior life (usually this will just be musings) and the third will hopefully deal with my musical and language practice. To be honest I don't know if this blog is really going to inspire anyone else to pursue cultivating an intellectual life but it will be a place for me to document my endeavor and as a place where I have to hold myself accountable to these studies.  

0000

When one starts to grow disenchanted with their day to day life, the quotidianiness of work and social interaction can start to drain an individual who already struggles with a type of antipathy towards societal interaction. I found that in these last few months I have grown jaded and disillusioned with the shape my life had taken. I had somehow veered away from the path that used to bring me so much joy. I used to be extremely focused on cultivating a rich interior life and focusing on becoming a polymath, somewhere over the years I found myself deviating from a path that brought me happiness.

I think I partially pulled away from it because I had received discouragement from that behavior because I was reminded regularly that it was antisocial and isolating. Our society seems to thrive on the ideology that one must socially interact at much as possible, be it face to face or via social media. As an introvert this was never something I was extremely comfortable with, I find it draining and very difficult to be around people for lengthy periods of time. Due to this I was resolved in the past to cultivate a rich interior life where I could withdraw inside of myself so that I could withstand the anxiety and discomfort that social interaction seemed to cause. Recently I had an epiphany that caused me to realize how far I had strayed from the course that had brought me the most comfort and happiness. This epiphany was aided by my readings of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, as well as Montaigne. I ultimately came to understand that if I truly wish to find happiness that I must return to the path of the polymath, working to become a renaissance man in my own right. Only by fostering the growth of a rich intellectual and interior life do I believe I can find the most happiness

The only thing that I seem to find wanting is an intellectual counterpart, someone who could help me keep the inertia along this path I am setting out on again. I find that the prospect –the probability of finding a individual who could inspire me just as I would love to inspire them along the path of cultivating the traits of a true renaissance man. To be honest hear though I must confess an insecurity of mine as I move along this train of thought.... but it is also a more in depth confession than I fear I have even divulged here....

I identify myself as agender/transgender (I am still trying to decide how to go about transitioning) and asexual...I fear that I because I do not always present as male ( my dominant leaning) that I am not taken as seriously when it comes to training to become a renaissance man. It is presented in society as a domain reserved for those born male. I concede that there are probably a great many female polymaths but it is not always something as well spoken of as it is in the case of males....digressing...... Please understand that this reason alone is not why I identify as transgendered,….....continuing..... I admit that this may sound completely ignorant and irrational but this is indeed a fear that is always carried in the back of my mind and serves at times as a obstacle that prevents me for following through with my pursuit. I hoped that maybe if I could find a counterpart that they would be able to help derail this train of thought that seems to plague me and hinder my progress. ….

As I move forward I will be migrating this blog over to a new location. When the new blog is launched it will be fully announced hear and there I hope to fully elaborate on my plan … Cultivation of the Renaissance Man.