Wednesday, September 24, 2014

On cultivating a better persona

As I write this entry I already feel like I will be reiterating points I have touched upon in previous entries.  I originally started this blog with the objective of creating a place to document the overall evolution of my persona.  I feel like most of use existing in a lower to middle class existence are never given the appropriate guidance that allows us to cultivate a truly we'll educated, classy and well mannered air.  I wouldn't classify myself as a heathen but I do we a that the person I am is not exactly the "way" I want to be.   This may in part be due to the fact that for many years I resisted the truth that I was agender (non binary), so I strived for many years to be someone I deep down was uncomfortable being.  Now that I have come to terms with being agender I have realized that ultimately I need to allow myself to evolve into the person I want to be.

Starting today I made a vow to myself that I will undertake the goals I had listed for myself at the outset of this year, but due to my own lack of motivation and outright procrastination I did not act to attain any of these goals. My procrastination was in fact partially related to my fear of outgrowing my significant other who recently had not been expressing any intellectual drive or  determination.  I feared that if I continued to evolve, to try and change myself while he allowed himself to stagnate that we would grow apart and I would lose the person I really adore.  I am assured this sounds like me just making excuses to legitimize my procrastination but that is not the case.

So here I sit on the precipice of change, but what you may wonder am I intending to now focused my attentions on.  In April of this year I had paid for Joshua Fields Milburn's writing course, I never worked on it.  I had intended to tackle the lifetime reading list/ The Great Books of the Western World/The Harvard Five Foot Shelf combined.  I had desired to resume my violin lessons to begin the cello.  Instead of doing any one of these things, I achieved nothing but wasting any valuable free time that I had.  It's still difficult to really embark on this change no matter the desire to evolve, all of us no matter how we want to change are still resistant to it to a degree.  I think my fear of his change stems from the fact that I know how overwhelming and how much of an undertaking that this is.  I cannot allow myself further procrastination because I am hindered by the magnitude of this project.

To embark on the reading program first I must revisit how to properly and intentionally read.  So I have picked up again my copy of How To Read A Book by Mortimer Adler, I also have An Experiment In Criticism by C.S. Lewis  and How To Read Literature by Terry Eagleton to brush up on my critical reading skills.  I did attempt to read Bloom's How To Read and Why,  unfortunately I found that the book couldn't hold my interest and did not pass the 50 page test.  During the readings of these selections I will also be listening to The Great Courses How to Read lecture series.   So I will endeavor to finish the other three books before I start the Lifetime Reading Plan's first selection The Epic of Gilgamesh. But because I am one of those individuals that prefers to take things to a more in depth  study, I have also ordered books on Sumerian Culture and history, and a second book on Mesopotamian mythology.

With NanoWrimo fast approaching, I will be revisiting the writing course to amp up my writing skills and undertake NanoWrimo in November. It appears that I will have a bit of time off around that time so I shall be able to wholly focus on that project and my writing.

In January, preferably sooner, I will rent a cello and see about taking the cello lessons. I fear my work schedule and my filial obligations may cause conflict but I will attempt to attended the private lessons weekly.

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